Tuesday, February 27, 2007

How To Dispose Off A Dead Body Illegally

This is meant for those who might have murdered someone on purpose or by mistake. I must warn you though that this procedure requires a lot of free time on your hands. So do this only if you have all the time in the world. Not meant for working or school going children. Your absence will be noticed. You'll just have to wait till I think something up for y'all as well. All other jobless people can continue to read.

1. Place: Go to someplace where people wont suspect you of doing anything illegal. Don't do it at your place unless you want attention from your neighbors. Rent out a sleazy place if you think it's safe to do so. Preferably I would suggest that you take the body to some hideout that only you know of. Be suspicious of everyone. Look behind you every once a while. You never know who's watching you.

2. Attire: Take off the clothes from your victim and wear them. I doubt if he/she'll want them back. Keep yours safely in a bag or something.

3. Apparatus: Time...plenty of it. An axe that is very very sharp. Soap and water, towel and anything else you may use for a bath. A cauldron. You can borrow it from the witch in the forest or use the one which you may have up in the attic from your great great great.. grandmother. Scrubber and make sure it's really good. Lots of unused garbage bags(the big black ones). A knife. A couple of big vessels. A grinder. A spade. Small gunny bag and rope/string.

4. Method: Once you're in your safe place make sure you get all the furniture spread away from the middle of the room since that is where you will have to work. Since this is some sort of a hideout there's probably very little furniture anyways. Cover the ground with the garbage bags. Dump the body on the ground covered with bags. Now cut him up into reasonably sized pieces. There's probably a lot of blood on the floor now. Fill up the cauldron with water, leave it to boil and dump everything of the cut up body in there. Let the flesh get all soft and soggy. Poke at it every once in a while to check. Take the knife and start scraping off the skin from the bone. It should come off nicely. Place all the flesh in one vessel and the bones in another. Put flesh in grinder. Grind flesh. Put ground flesh back in vessel.
Now go into the backyard, dig a hole in the ground, stuff the flesh in it, cover up the hole and stomp on the ground to level it with the help of the spade as well Good! Now we have to just get rid of the bones.
Clean up the bones till they're dry, put them in the gunny bag and tie it up with a string. Now take the spade again. Dig up a hole somewhere beneath a bush without disturbing the poor plant's roots. Dump the bag in the hole, cover up the hole and level the soil.
Woo hooo! The job is done.

5. Conclusion: Take a bath and get yourself all cleaned up. Get rid of the garbage bags too.
Go get drunk again. And don't kill people by mistake anymore. Do more on purpose in fact. Even better....rape some girl and the murder her. Then procedure is the same. And remember, 'Practice Prevents Poor Performance.'


p.s.: Somebody please put this insane female in the closest mental hospital around.

p.s.2: Don't experiment on the author.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

How To Kill A Vampire

In order to kill a vampire it is very important that you take the following steps in order to achieve perfection. Act at night when the vampire is most likely to be around. Don't be scared...it's easy!

1. Attire: Cover your hair with a shower cap or even a plastic bag would do. Wear a raincoat also. This is to make sure no blood spills on you since killing the 'un-dead' can be quite messy. Get yourself a pair of gumboots and gloves as well. For your face you could apply some really oily kind of cream and a pair of underwater goggles.

2. Protection: You need to wear a garland of garlic. Eat some as well. You can then breathe garlicky breath at the vampire. Make sure you are wearing a cross preferably a chain. And bathe in holy water from a local church before dressing up. Do not use any soap. Keep a Bible stuffed in your pocket. You could even hurl the book at the vampire if it makes too much noise or you could do it for fun...your pick.

3. Other apparatus: Get a table which you don't want anymore big enough to place a body on top of it(steal one if you must). Also lots of newspapers to place on the ground so that the floor doesn't get dirty. It is not fun to try removing blood from the floor. Cover anything else in the room that should be covered. If it's possible you might want to do this in your basement or garage, basically somewhere where you don't mind getting the place dirty. Get some kerosene and a box of matches to burn the body too. An axe, a slingshot and some wooden splinters(at least 15 pieces). Get a wooden stake while you're at it.

4. Method: Approach the vampire with utmost care. While he's probably stunned at the way you're dressed you can use the slingshot to pierce him preferably near his heart. If he growls at you feel free to use the garlicky breath. Hurl the Bible at it's head...maybe he'll fall down. If he doesn't then you can attack him, push him down(he wont be too heavy) and then stab him with your wooden stake in the heart and leave it in there. By doing this he'll drop to the ground. Take heed, do not...I repeat, DO NOT remove the stake from the body at any time. That will just wake him up and all the trouble you took will become futile. Yay!!! you've completed a good amount of the job.
He's not dead yet...not completely at least. Drag the body to the basement or wherever and dump him on the table. Now comes some messy work. Take the axe and chop the head off the vampire body(A lot of blood will spill all over). Hoooray!!! the thing is dead. Now you just pour the kerosene all over the body including the chopped off head. Take it outside before you do that unless you're planning on burning the whole place down as well. After pouring the kerosene just light up the body. Now stand there and just watch it burn. If it's cold you can even warm your hands over the fire. Sweep up the ashes and bury it in a cemetery nearby.

5.Conclusion:Now you can perform a nice jig, get drunk at the local bar, take home some chick and get some much needed rest. Or just go straight to bed...whatever!


p.s.: No, the author is not a vampire slayer. Pious Catholics please don't be offended by Bible throwing, it was meant as self defense.

Friday, February 23, 2007

I Helped Sombody Else

Something happened that made me feel nice. I did something that I usually thanked other people for doing. I didn't think I had done anything worthwhile but the other person did. And for once I actually felt pleased with myself.
He was barely two or three years younger to me, in his middle teens or so. He didn't have a good day. He had a tiff with two of his friends. He didn't tell me the details and I didn't force him either. He felt bad because he told them the truth, they didn't want to accept it and so poured their anger on him. Poor thing, he felt like he committed a crime. But he didn't. He just said it like was. I told him not to take it to heart. With time they would realize their mistakes and change on their own. He did his best. If he knew that he was trying to help then he didn't need to worry any longer. He did nothing wrong. He kept thanking me after that. I just promised to be there for him no matter what happens. And that he shouldn't be scared to tell me anything.
I knew him for barely a week. I still do. But he still trusted me enough to share his problems with me. It made him feel secure. It made me feel secure. It was always me who was in a sad situation and in need for emotional support. But for once I was someone else's support. It felt nice to make him feel better. I don't know why, but it did. And I felt stronger emotionally.
I liked that feeling whatever it was...satisfaction perhaps. I know I shouldn't feel too proud. I should just continue being there for others. But I guess a little acknowledgment never hurts.

To The Circus

A bet has been placed. If in the future a particular prediction comes true all those who know me will be invited to watch me perform at the nearby circus. The bet is least likely to come true, but still...
The first day of the H.S.C. board examinations was the French exam. I was going mad. I didn't know what i knew and what I didn't. I sounded like I never studied for the exam. Although everyone knew all well that I was probably one of the best prepared for the exam there and are all expecting me to get in the 90ies...yea right! 90ies in a language. It's been done before. Though but I don't think I'm going to. Anyways, I said maybe I'll get in the 40ies. At that point I assume everyone wanted to throw bricks at me. (Because I've never got less than 75 in any French paper and I probably seemed to brag). So then this really wacky idea comes up from one of my friends. He said that if I were to fail the exams supposedly, Everyone would be treated by him for the rest of the vacations, and me...I'd get to join the circus. I'm not really sure if this is a good thing or not. But then who cares I'll probably be good at it. It's not like I can do much else anyways. I just wanted to ease the tension in my mind so all the tom-foolery about me ending up in the circus actually made me relax.
Now imagine that....me....in a circus. Now this is a real fun career to take up. I'd get to travel, be sad, appear happy, end up homesick...yay!!! I am a trainee clown...officially(till the board results are out.)

p.s.: Unless you want the author to end up in the local circus where she doesn't really want to be please pray that she passes her boards with more than a measly 35%.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Him

I had a dream
And I still don't know
What it could mean.-3

It was about a man
He had smooth leathery skin,
And long black hair
Till somewhere between his ears and chin.
With a flowing cape
Which was flapping in the wind.-9

He stood on a hill,
High as the sky.
He had a look on his face
It spoke of his violence of battles,
An expression which could make
Every young and innocent girl
Break down and cry.-16

The sky was filled with clouds;
Very little of the sun shone.
He didn't notice
The fine winter weather.
All he did was stare and grimace.
Although, if I was to make a sudden move
That his sight wouldn't have missed.-23

He stared down at me
Like he wanted to gorge out my eyes.
Like he wanted to grab me
Shake the life out of me
Choke me if i were to scream and cry.
Hurt me,
And leave me on fresh mountain grass
To rot and die.-31

He came down to the meadow
Crushing soft grass
My body trembled
As I watched him
His every advance.
He stopped in front of me.
Picked me up,
And tore off my cotton white dress.
He ripped off my petticoat
And as well as all else.-41

I just stood there
Stark naked
Covering the very little of me
At least what I could.
Then down he pushed me
Pinned my hands to my side
He was ready
I could see
He already had wood.-50

He tore off his cape
His clothes he removed.
He was gorgeous.
At least for one
So badly battle ravaged.
He touched my skin
His fingers rough and hard
He didn't seem to care
This for him
Was a daily sin.-60

But then
All of a sudden
His grip relaxed.
He looked into my eyes
I looked into his
They were warm
Warm and bright brown.
They were now soft and sad
He seemed to have a more emotional side
And that he had.-70

He got up
Dressed himself
Looked nowhere else
But on the ground
Perhaps because of shame
Or maybe pity for me
He finally found.-77

His expression changed
Changed back to being grim
He picked up his cape
He didn't put it on him
He dragged it along
And left like he came.-83

I sat on the grass
still naked
Still stunned
By what happened
And this here
Is the end.-89

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Convince Me

I still don't believe in it. Nobody can make me. It's not real. I'm either blind to it, refuse to believe in it or it just doesn't exist. What is 'it'? LOVE!
This thing! So abstract as it is I really want to know why I haven't experienced it yet. I've experienced happiness, sadness, anger, depression & confusion(too many times), jealousy even and a whole lot of other feelings. But this one stupid feeling doesn't want to introduce itself to me. I wonder what it must feel like. I've assumed its existence sometimes but then I convince myself that it's all fake. Is this my fault? No, I don't think so. It can't be. I know it isn't. So why hasn't it come yet?
I'm not talking about love from and for/to family or friends. I've experienced that enough times to convince me. And I've enjoyed every bit it. No doubts there. I'm talking about being in love with a guy and for him to be feeling the same way for me. This still hasn't happened yet.
I'm still young. I shouldn't even bother thinking about it. It's not like it's a priority. I don't really need it. I can live without it. I've survived for so long without it anyways. It's not like I'm 60 yrs old and am still searching. I just want to feel it once. (do I really???)
I've dumped guys for this very reason. If this feeling is missing I won't go any further with a relationship. It's not worth the waste of time, energy or in some cases money even. I don't regret my relationships altogether. I learn from them. But that's a different topic altogether.
I know I probably have the real answer to my question in my own head. I'm sure it's just that I wont accept it. I can't accept it. But I need someone else to convince me. To tell me....it's not real. Or if not that, then proof that it does exist.

p.s.: The author isn't sure about what exactly she is trying to say. She is still partly confused. But she wishes someone else will explain it to her so that her fears are curbed. She might not accept it but she would definitely like to hear a different view.

p.s.2: The author is an idiot. Don't bother telling her anything. Wont really do her any good.

p.s.3: Ignore p.s.2.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

For Solitude

I want to fly away. I can't live here anymore. My society is devouring me slowly. It's making all the things I do and want to do a sin. Why wont society accept me the way I am? What's wrong with me?
I want to go away. To another country perhaps. Start anew. Yet still, I want to have the people I love the most besides always. I don't want to be disturbed by society. I don't want to overhear their gossip comments about me. Their fingers slyly pointing at me when my back is turned. And then having strange questions probed at me. I can't come up with good repartees all the time! What's wrong with being a little bit different?
It's not just society. It was present even during school. This strange feeling that you're an outcast. A black sheep! Why? Just because I thought things in a different light? Or was it because I dared to question my religion in the presence of others?
Did I hurt someone with my views and comments? If I did, then I apologize for it. But am I not entitled to my views? And they weren't meant to hurt but rather to give rise to thought. What's wrong with thinking?
Funny though, I never experienced the feeling of being an outcast in college that much. If anything I felt more wanted and accepted. Those who felt otherwise ignored me and left me alone. Thank god for that. Sure there were those few who felt that anyone who was dedicated to their studies must be insane. Ignoring them wasn't hard. I suppose in the day of now wasting your parents money for your education is the 'in' thing. I'm not bothered. Like I care. Do what you like just don't get me included into your nonsense.
I ask for plain solitude. People shouldn't bother about me. Stop prying into my life if they didn't like it. Just ignore me even. If anyone does dare to cross their limits I think I'll treat them with similar disrespect regardless of them being younger or elder. If this is what it takes for me to do to get myself some solitude, then....so be it!!!

Friday, February 16, 2007

It Won't Be left To Wither

I'm an idiot! I took care of a rose plant for such a long time and when I get a rose I decide to let it wither away?! I must've been mad!!! It wasn't just mere coincidence. It was fate. Destiny even. I was given the rose so I could let it grow...not let it wither away.
So I've saved a life today. I've got me another Baby rose now. I'm so happy. Yay!!! I'll let it grow for as long as it does. I gave and I got back. And to think I almost missed it.

Coincidence

In the recent past I gave away my beautiful Baby. I missed her. I wished I could see her once more. Then Valentine's day arrived. A friend sent a pretty little rose for me through another friend since I was somewhere else when he decided to pay my groupie a visit. He figured giving roses to all the girls in the group would make them happy. The board exams were approaching and I didn't think any reunions were planned. Too bad for me I missed this one I suppose. But I still got the rose. I was so happy to get it. It made me miss Baby all the more. But then I guess it was just a coincidence.
I'll have to thank him for it now. Awfully nice of him. Besides, there's always the next reunion to look forward to now after the boards. I can thank him then.
I kept the rose in a vase of sugar water by my window and will wait for it to wither away.I think I'll kept the petals in a book. They'll make such a sweet reminder of this.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Bye Baby

I had a beautiful, red, rose plant. I named her 'Baby'. She was the one thing I loved. I took care of her for three years. Watered her, talked to her and did everything a good plant-keeper would. She was the most heavenly sight in the mornings when the sun shone all over her slender body.
A year ago a friend who doesn't live by me anymore would always come to see my Baby. She had her own rose plant. A yellow one. Her's was just as pretty as any other. She loved Baby and she wanted one just like the one at her home. Her mummy wouldn't let her. She (the mummy) said it would be a waste of money.
Her birthday was arriving. And I knew just what she wanted. I packed up Baby and went to her place and just gifted it to her. Just like that. I figured it would make her happy. And it did. I hate to brag, but she thought that my gift was the best ever, just what she always wanted. It did make her happy.
I don't know what drove me to give away Baby. But I was growing up. Someone else needed to take better care of her while I searched for other pleasures in life (don't ask!!). So I gave her away. I don't visit the little girl nor Baby and I'm sure they'll grow up together very happily.
The End.

Bye Baby. I'll miss you.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

YOU

You are important to me. You know who you are. You want to know something else?! I like you.....yea you!! Don't be surprised if you ever come across me sometime in reality. I will probably thank you for being you. For not judging me for things I do when most people do. You made me feel good to be me. True, I don't know you. I've never seen you. I've never heard your voice even. Then again..neither have you. What have I got to lose with you...nothing.
You mean more than the rose in the flower pot. You.
I hope that someday we do come across each other. You're the best thing that happened to me the moment you first read this.

p.s.: Feel free to think that I'm talking about you. :)
p.s.2: Author was feeling happy with herself. She wanted to thank someone for it. She decided that you probably deserved it.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

End It....NOW!!!

I wish I could end it.
Finish me off.
A quick cure for all troubles
Put a full stop.-4

I hate everyone
But I love them them just the same
I want to leave them
But I can't leave life mid-game.-8

Saturday, February 03, 2007

I Just Wanted To Be Alone With Myself

All I wanted was to be alone. I don't mean lonely. I mean, nobody disturbing me. Is that really too difficult to understand? This is for all those of you who complain that a person's cell is off and later when he/she switches it back on nag them about it .(in case there are other people like me).
For god's sakes! When I do that it means I want nobody to disturb me. I don't want interruptions from anyone. I don't care who you are. And besides, if it was that important you most probably will have had my landline no. anyways. Why get into such a frenzy over it? It's not like it's the end of the world or anything. My cell is off. That's all!! I'm either sleeping, if it's at night or I could be doing something of extreme importance to me (no, you don't get to know what is so important to me) or I could be depressed about something very depressing and I don't want anyone to pester me about it.
Understand that at that time I want to be with myself. I also don't keep it on 'cause I don't want to avoid you directly which would make you think I'm purposely avoiding you. If i wanted to do that I'd just ignore you...not put my cell off.
So, the next time you find my cell off assume that I have a very logical reason for it and if I consider you eligible to know I will most probably tell you at my leisure.

P.S.Besides keeping my cell off saves the battery.

Pornography Is Feducating

No!!! Feducation is not a real word. Don't even bother going to look it up. I made it up. Feel free to congratulate me. Although i assume someone else out there must've already come up with it at some point of time and so I'll probably be sued by the genius who thought of it in the first place. So there!!!
Anyways, as I was saying. Let me explain what feducation is first. Feducation is a conjoined word made up of the words 'fun' and 'education' which sums up to feducation. O.K. now that we all know how the word came about. Now we need to know why pornography is linked to it.
Porno can be very feducating if u go to see. I know what you must be thinking-'who doesn't like porn?' and 'why are you making it out to be a subject?' and other stupid and annoying questions. But porno is a subject that can be and is studied by people who are interested. A very educating one and you do enjoy watching, right? I bet you've learned sooo much from porn. Things you thought were never imaginable even. (I know I did).
Pornography is feducating because when you're watching it you enjoy it. You know you want to be in the scene, in the moment. This is the fun part of watching it. Now comes the educating part. I'm sure I don't have to explain this too much to you either. You know as well as I do that you've probably learned from watching porn. It teaches you what to do and what not to. It teaches you to do whatever it is in the right way and with your knowledge satisfy yourself and whoever else it is your with. Do I need say more?!

P.S.: The author does NOT study pornography at all nor is she a frequent viewer of it.

Let's Take A Walk By The Nallah

Source
First of all...a 'nallah' is another word for a gutter. At least that's what they say. But I'm not here to explain the meaning of it. Let me describe it instead.
Long time ago, before I was born, there used to be this creek near to where I stay. It had a lot of greenery and the water flowing in the creek was fresh, clean n well....looked just like what a nice creek should. I'm sad to say I never got to see it. It was beautiful they'd say. (sigh....)
Now it looks typically like the gutter that it is. It has very little greenery. The water is too low for it to be called a creek. Oh yes! And the water rarely ever flows much except during the monsoons. That's also when it overflows.
But it hasn't lost all of it's romance. Not to me at least. I still think it's the best place to pass by when you're taking a walk. The road by it is just fine to walk on with very few potholes for you to worry about. There is the usual sight of cow-dung along the path but it's easy to avoid if you keep your eyes open when you walk. :)
I still love going out for a walk on that nallah road in the evenings, whether with someone or alone. It's just perfect. There's just enough light to see where you're going and for nobody to recognize you in the dark.
I go there when I'm in my most extreme emotional state. I feel myself returning back to my sane self. It feels good. I like the wind in my hair. I like the cool, dark night cloaking me in it's darkness. I like the solitude. That's when I sometimes think...there is a god!!!